How I feel tonight.

Rarely or never have I had such simple intentions in typing in a blog like this.  My feelings tonight, though they may seem a bit nonsensical are in essence only sensical, as feelings are, excepting that the senses do connect often to much bigger realities.  Let’s say, if life really does have clear cycles then I believe I have wrapped around to some sort of youngness.  But not some refined and matured wildness.  Emptiness!  Emptiness that I consider good!  What an odd feeling to try to explain.  I’m not wholly sure as one is rarely wholly sure until much time has passed and the unfolding has commenced of time and growth and passing.  I’ve been a number of things, detached and chaotic and so-forth  on the passing of the last piece of time.  Let’s call it like the ebbing of tides or the moon slowly peeling back, waning, until the sky is empty except the glow of the stars which shine a bit brighter on those nights provided the clouds allow it.  In one space I am young.  I think how I am the age, I believe, people such as my friend troy once was when we met those years ago before all the transformation of his inner soul and the wedding and the face tattoos, and all that is now.  Strange to think I am only now the age he was then.  Yet I have had my own transformations these years and my own tattoos not on my flesh but perhaps a bit deeper.  I’ve ridden freight trains for thousands and thousands of miles, I’ve hitched up and down every hillside and walked with my eyes down and up and I’ve seen love and terror.  I have felt so intertwined with others and so melded into their flesh as if we spoke some secret language beyond our daily conversations.  I don’t feel that so much right now, not at this particular moment.  No, I feel like everyone is a stranger right now, in a sense.  But again not in a bad way!  In a way I feel like I have new eyes that have never seen anything and looking on people I just want to dive into them and explore the depths of who they are.  Yes, but I feel as though I should be much more aged.  If only for the abuse and terror and darkness that I have seen, and that I have been waist deep or drowning in from time to time over these last few years.  Yes, In one space I feel I should be deeper somehow, carved out by time, made better or something, if not just weary.  Yet, I feel childlike, but not the whimsical childlike people often speak of.  No, I don’t feel any memory of childhood like blurred ecstatic joyfulness.  Maybe this is because my actual childhood was not really like this.  My feeling is much more sober than that.  I feel like someone took away my old wine and my old wineskin and handed me an empty glass.  But in reading this know this sort of sobering blankness is nothing but a strong point for me.  It is instilled in me more than anything is instilled in me that to have nothing is to have all you need.  I suppose to try to verbalize it for you, which probably doesn’t do much good, I would say that with all the ups and downs and successes and failures and imagined things and projected things and all false things to source my self worth or whatever other sense is worth sensing or treasure is worth treasuring somehow destroyed within me I am left feeling tonight in a sense finally empty.  But in this emptiness I feel only myself in g-d whole.  The innate value in being, not dependent on anything else.  As you also have such an innate value in being.  And so, I hope and pray you feel this too.

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